To be entirely honest, the thought of BYU paralyzes me sometimes. I've wanted to go for so long.* But even now, when it's no longer an intangible abstract idea, but a plan with mass and weight, I'm scared that it, like so many other plans, will fall through. It's in my grasp, but I can't quite make the fist yet and grab it.
I checked the "I will" box, I signed a contract for a house**. Yet it still feels a little unreal. I'm afraid that it will become one of those Sunday School stories. The ones that go like this, "I had everything planned out, I knew exactly what I was going to do, and then everything changed because something else was in store for me."
In the case that it does happen (I think it will) I'm intimidated by the HUGE-ness of it all. Huge numbers of people, huge talent, huge stereotypes and small minds. I've grown quite comfortable in my small school. The office people don't scare me** - I work there two hours a week. I know every faculty in my major, I'm working on an undergraduate research project with two of them. I know which institute teachers work for me and which do not. I'm in charge of a residence hall which occasionally makes me think, "I RULE THIS SCHOOL FOOLS!"
All of the sudden the idea of leaving my homey little town stops my heart in unthinkable terror. Do you know what an uncomfortable feeling it is to be looked over? I felt that today a little. Getting overshadowed by brighter personalities, more colorful talents, funnier quirks, more interesting ideas, lovelier faces. And this happened in a place where I can get to class in five minutes. Three and a half if it's an early morning math class and I want to sleep in. Not in a massive, overwhelming, oh-my-gosh-it's-like-target-on-black-friday-place.*** What if that happens all the time? I read a blog that summarized it very well, "I came here and couldn't play an instrument. I mean that wasn't all, but it personifies my problem. Everyone seemed to be good at things I wasn't... and I forget I was good at anything at all." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I like feeling needed and important. SUU gave me that. I know I can find it at BYU. But the thought of starting over again (although this time rooming with friends) can really grab a girl and give her a good shake.
*not brainwashed I swear. This is my decision.
**read tiny apartment with five other girls. dishwasher and closet space optional.
***slight exaggeration. slight.
MOM. I'm FINE. Really. Just experiencing a healthy dose of nervousness. And a touch of sadness to see SUU go. Seriously it's ok. Put down the phone and the psychiatrists number.