Saturday, August 25, 2012

Just A Little Gish In A Big Pond

(I've been waiting for months to use that one.  Brilliant eh?)

So here goes.  It's my final night at home and where am I?  In my bed of course.  With ice cream melting and First Aid Kit playing and it turns out I'm a lot more of a home body than even I realized.

Tomorrow I'll move into the top floor of a house, converted into the tiniest independent "apartment" I've ever seen.  Seriously.  If my cousin Dara* who lived in downtown Manhattan ever saw this place even HE would curl up and die.  And this is the guy who paid like 50,000 buckaroos for a half bedroom apartment.  In the words of my dear roommate: "it looks like an abandoned nuclear warfare zone.  But it has potential."  Well that's ok then.

I tried to move in today but guess what?  There are girls still LIVING there.  Which means, first of all, that the $25 cleaning fee I paid up front is not being used to clean the practically decaying carpet (held together only by the dead skin cells of twenty bajillion footsteps I'm sure) and is instead probably supporting the landlady's I don't know, diet coke addiction.  (Provo gets pretty cray cray.)  It also means that I'm expected to move on a SUNDAY.  Sin.  siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn!  What an ox in the mire situation.  I may have to start counting my steps.  How could you BYU?

In the occasion that I survive the nuclear warfare zone and my lungs don't immediately turn black and flee from my body I'll start classes on Monday.  I'm terrified.  The idea of walking into a building I don't know, into a classroom I don't know, full of people I've never seen before in my life throws me back into the anxiety I used to feel (okay STILL feel) walking down the halls of high school.

I KNEW good ol' suh.  I would recognize faces in ever class, in every hall, in every study room.  And even if I wasn't friends with them, there was a lot of comfort in the familiarity.  I knew SUU.  I knew all of my nutrition professors, was friends with those crazy charismatic fun kids in leadership spots.  So comfortable.  So easy.  Which is exactly why I'm transferring of course.  Time for me to step out of my comfort zone.  Time to grow.  To better myself in a way I don't think I could have accessed at suh.

But the terror remains.  Let me give you a little demonstration ok?  SUU's graduating class last year: 1700.  BYU's graduating class: 6800.  More than three times bigger.  oooohh-KAY.  No BiG dEaL.**  I'm starting all over.  New track for classes.  New program to apply to.  I know.  I know.  I'll be fine.  I really do know this deep down.  It's what keeping me from crumbling and living in the basement for the rest of my life.  I'll be ok.  Good.  Great even.  But it doesn't make me any less nervous in the awkward about to move and restart interim.

So come Monday***.  It's going to be just a little gish in a big pond.  Swim little fishy.  Swim your frickin' heart out.

*Google him.  He only is the number #1 analyzer (read RICH) in the beverage industry.  It's fine.  I rock at Jenga.  We're totally related.

** very Very VERY big deal.

***I'll be blogging a LOT more than in the summer.  I seem to blog best when I'm putting off homework out of pure obstinacy.  Which I'm sure you'll be grateful to hear.  Tell me you're grateful.  I get so dang vain about this blog.  Telling me you like it strokes my ego like you wouldn't believe.   (I'm talking to you lil catie poo meyer.  Makes my day every time.  Seriously.  I'm pretty much your loyal blogging servant over here.)


  1. #1. I love First Aid Kit. Approved.
    #2. I thought about you last night during the dance in the cave..."SO sad Gish isn't here to do some awkward dance moves with me."
    #3. I wish you the best at BYU and you better come visit "suh" soon!
    #4. I love your blog. I hope that fed your ego enough that you'll keep writing!

  2. Ego fed. You have to tell me when the eighties dance in the cave happens, I will make a special trip for that! (Is it still happening?) Miss you Bay, I'll come visit for sure.