Monday, November 26, 2012

Missing You

Missing some one is a really a strange thing.  Like love, there are so many different kinds of longing, of missing.  There's the missing of the best friend, the days spent in near perpetual company, the pain of knowing that phone calls (even with the best of intentions) can't quite span the distance, not when compared to feeling of lying on the kitchen floor, completely spent from laughter or tears.

Then there's the missing of the him.  The "significant other."

I don't know where to separate the idea from the reality.  Do I miss kissing him or just kissing?  Do I miss his responses to even the most mundane details of my day or do I just miss telling someone, anyone, all of those things?  Like so many gray areas, it's probably a combination of both.  The actuality is impossibly tied to the dream, the fantasy.

Tangible or not, I know exactly what I do miss.  I miss how he answered the phone, groggy in the morning when I called too early and woke him up.  I miss the, "oh hey girl" and the "hi dude" and the myriad of mis-spelled texts.

And the hardest part is the suddenness of it all.  How do you go from complete confidence to ... nothing?    How do you just cut that part out of your life?  But then again, how do you not?  Because you can't just tell someone out of the blue, after weeks of silence; "hey I didn't realize the importance of you in my life,and this is me letting you know I miss and think about you sometimes and there's a little depression in my heart where the connection used to be.  Not a big hole or anything, but just a little valley, like a spoon is pressing on it.  Hey I just want you to know that even if I didn't love you wholly or dramatically like the stories, I might have loved you as much as I can love anyone right now."

You just can't.  Because all this missing isn't enough for me to go back.  I can't tell someone that they were important and amazing and I miss them, but not enough to actually do anything about it besides acknowledge the sadness of the absence.  That's even worse than complete silence.

So here you go void.  Here's my confession, my acknowledgment.  If you're wondering if he/she ever misses you, the answer is probably yes.  Yes but.  And I'm sorry, pointless as that may by.

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