Sunday, October 14, 2012

Doggy Paddle

Oh hello there.

Blogging tendencies have been a little bit lax of late, mostly because my brain (AHEM.  my cerebral hemispheres, frontal lobe, insula lobe occipital lobe etc..) is crammed so full with other thoughts.  There is SO MUCH to learn.  I used to write posts in my head for days, first of all because I'm straight up weird.  Seriously there's a little voice in the back of my mind that often narrates my life.  Have I mentioned this before?  Probably.  That little voice is unfortunately not very reliable for remembering important things.  But ask me to share a storybook style tale about the two seconds on campus where you recognized someone?  I'm your woman.  I'll have you reeling with plot twists and married with babies before you even finish asking.*

Second of all because did you know sarcasm is a LUXURY?  Seriously.  All this cleverness that is my wit does not come as naturally as you think.  I had the time to compose my thoughts into hysterical sentences as I walked between classes, those moments before I fell asleep.  I had days to compose posts in my brain.  Now those moments are filled with thoughts about concepts I'm learning, trying to remember things for tests, worries, and often just the bliss of nothingness. I steal times for little bits of nothingness every chance I get, trying to concentrate only on the gorgeousness of the world.

Maybe it's not just BYU.  Maybe it's because I'm a junior now and finished with most of my gen eds.  And I don't mean to complain, but dang this is hard.  I don't just have midterms, my class schedule balanced out so the test are spread out pretty consistently to every week or two.  And consistency is really not my strong point.  I'm more of a "lay it all in one big pile and I'll make one massive hurdle over it and then be done for a few months."  I have a LOT to learn.  A lot of habits to change.

But you know what?  Thank goodness.  Because even though I'm not acing my classes, I'm being pushed.  Like really shoved in the pool sink or swim sort of pushed.  I prefer that over treading water for the rest of my life.  I'd rather be the crap of the cream than the cream of the crap I guess.

That's not to say the days aren't without stress and tension and the occasional bubbling of ulcer beginnings.  So before I get overwhelmed with it all, I try to remember what I love this place.

Which I think I'll write about later because I'm really sick of this post.  It's been in my drafts box forever and now I kind of hate it.  But I'm going to publish it because I want to remember this feeling.  This time of just barely keeping my head above water, but loving it.  Really really loving it.


*Do I make sense to anyone?  Anyone?  I tend to ramble I know.  And SOMEtimes I re-read and edit my crazy thought process for you to follow.  But only sometimes.

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